Been away too long

Trying to get my act together again...not sure how or when that will happen but I AM trying!  Starting my Christmas shopping and cards this week and I'm also getting started with the Thanksgiving lists.  Before I tackle that I'd best get my laundry switched and the groceries out of the car.  Get up, Lazybones!!

Sabotaging myself and other issues...

I have decided that this battle is truly won and lost at the grocery store.  I have been determined to eat like a pig all week but have been saved from my own self-destructive behavior by the fact I have LOTS of healthy snacking options available at home.  Pigged out last night on Laughing Cow cheese, imitation crab and Arnold sandwich thins.  Total damage - 7 points.  Still not getting my exercise, but I plan to get my 10,000 steps today come Hell or high water.  I'll try to check in later...

Another losing week

Down another 2.4# this week.  And I only have three more months of consults before I can make my decision on surgery.
I also saw my oncologist today and talked about the surgery.  He seemed to think it was a fine idea and stressed the reversible nature of the procedure.  But he also likes what I've accomplished on my own and thinks WW would also be great.  Not much help from that front.
Started circuit training at the YMCA today - felt like a weakling wimp but it is good to be back to toning and building muscle again.

In unrelated news, the blog I've started at WW (365 days, 365 recipes) now has 4 followers and multiple comments.  I feel like a star!

Wednesday, ain't it grand?

Back to work, kids are in school and Rich is working the late shift.  No YMCA for Sam today so I'll have to do my working out at home.  Plan to get my 10,000 steps and spend at least 30 minutes on the elliptical today.
Feeling ambivalent about the surgery again.  I would love to make the Weight Watchers thing work and get to a healthy weight all on my own.  It was Rich's talking about watching Lap Band procedures and the success of one of his co-workers that got me thinking about the band.  I don't know...I wish I could talk to 4-5 people who have had the procedure and get their input... 

Just love a day off!

The house is clean, caught up on laundry and I even got the mending done.  Ate well and just need another 500 steps to be over 10,000.  I have gotten back on track but I've got to keep in mind that I was poorly behaved over the weekend when I weigh in on Thursday.

Started another blog on the WW website.  I'm going to do 365 days and 365 recipes.   Today was Eggs Florentine - a really yummy light riff on Eggs Benedict.  Just click here 365 days, 365 recipes and you should get there.

Slipping up

Had a bad weekend.  Just kept wanting to eat and didn't feel much like working out.  Had a dinner party at a friend's house on Friday night, ate too much then drank too much.  Then had a sausage biscuit from McDonald's on Saturday morning (and felt virtuous because I didn't get hash browns or stop at the much more evil Taco John's for a burrito and Oles).  In general, I just ate too much and exercised too little.  Almost like I was being too successful and felt it was necessary to sabotage myself.  Sigh.

TGIF

Getting ready for a busy weekend.  I'm down another 2.2# bringing my loss to a grand total of 16.8#.  Hoping to get another 3.2# off before Halloween - maybe even manage to slip under 255#.  Very much on track to be in the 230's for my "real" surgery consult.  Still thinking I will proceed with the Lap Band.

Yesterday at WW we were talking about portion control.  I really do think my problems stem from a combination of portion problems and fast food.  And, honestly, the band would force portion control.  Of course, I haven't really had issues with portions since I started back.  Let's just keep plugging away and make a decision closer to January...

Good Morning!

Wow!  It's been almost a week since I wrote in this blog - it doesn't seem that long.  I've been busy with work and running the kids around and just don't get to it.

Got on the scale this morning - 259.3.  Back in the 250's feels very good and now I can set my sights on getting UNDER 250 by Thanksgiving.  So far I am right on track for being in the 230's for the Lap Band surgery.  I admit that there is a part of me starting to think I don't need the surgery;  I can lose this weight with Weight Watchers and avoid the knife.  Maybe just the threat of the knife figuratively hanging over me will be enough to keep me on track.  This is, however, probably just wishful thinking.  I feel this way every time I go on any diet program...THIS is the time I will follow it through to the end...this is the time I will get myself into shape.And I just get tired of the whole process.  So that is where getting a Lap Band will be my solution.

The pedometer challenge is working well.  I was thinking while I was walking the track at the YMCA yesterday about getting my life to be, in general, an active one.  I need to find activity that I like that is feasible at my current weight.  I am feeling altogether too fat for dancing - I get out of breath which is a real drag for my frighteningly fit partners.  Also saw people rock climbing - too fat for that right now but will do it when I'm thinner!  But what to do now (besides walking and elliptical work)?  Going to keep thinking on it...

Also plan to take a one month photo and post that in the next day or two...

Still sick :(

Actually feeling sick enough to need to call my doctor's office to see if they can get me in today.  Feeling REALLY lousy - headache, chills, sore throat...blech.  Bad news?  I really don't feel like walking.  Good news?  I really don't feel like eating, either.

Feeling lousy

I was actually good over the weekend - stayed on points and managed to get more than 10,000 steps each day.  I managed to survive Saturday by having vegetables cooked in broth for lunch and having a sensible dinner.    I spent all weekend cleaning the upstairs and getting out the fall decorations.  Still need to winterize the outdoors and possibly stain the deck, but it feels like I'm rapidly getting ready for the autumn.  Need to switch out clothes, too - that will mean walking up and down the stairs a lot which will be good for my totals.

So why the "feeling lousy" title?  I have a nasty cold coming on - sore throat, chills, fever, muscle aches.  And a nasty headache.  And my lips feel numb - how weird is that?

Aside from the cold, starting to feel genuinely on track.  The house is "clean", we're eating right, the whole family is getting exercised...it's all good, right?  Now if we can keep our spending under control as the holidays approach, I will feel very good.  Money is always the last thing I seem to get handled.  Oh, well...baby steps, right?

Uh-oh...

It's funny.  I have been doing the WW thing for 3 1/2 weeks with little difficulty - I'm hungry and all that but I've still been able to stay on program pretty easily.  I can feel the trouble coming, however.  This morning I REALLY wanted McDonald's breakfast.  So I got an Egg McMuffin but I also got a hash brown.  That's 10 points for breakfast and I'm hungry already.  Time to focus - this is my first real hurdle - get through the weekend without going nuts.  Keep logging my food and try to get 10-15 activity points this weekend.  Let's do it!!!!

Friday Night

One of the things I hope to get from this weight loss is more energy.  By the time I get to the end of my week, I feel so exhausted I barely have energy to take a bath.  I did drop another 2.6# this week (grand total is now 11.2#) so I'm getting there.  Will try and write more later in the weekend - for now I'm going to take my tired self off to bed.  G'night!

Still plugging away...

Had my esophagram yesterday - what a singularly unpleasant test that is!  My stomach still hurts from all the barium.  But it means I can cross off another prerequisite for the Lap Band.   Still not completely sure that I want to do this but it is good to be losing again and having a lot of options available.

The pedometer challenge has only two consistent participants.  Want to broaden the field so I plan to invite some WW people and maybe even open it to anyone.  Still thinking on that one...

OCD? Too competitive? You decide!

So I did 12,000 steps today despite being at church until after noon and spending a couple hours cooking.  It helps to go on a long, brisk walk.  Who knew that was the secret to exercise?  Just getting out and doing it!!!

Busy, busy, busy!

Didn't quite get 12,000 steps but did get over 10,000.  Got the upstairs cleaned, all the bedding washed, laundry done, ironing and mending finished AND I cleaned the garage.  Plenty of activity and I ate very well so it was a very good day.  Now I am off to take a hot bath and crawl between crisp sheets.  Mmmmmm.
Next week is my first visit back to the doctor's office and I'm kind of excited to show off my progress.  I also have both my bloodwork and my esophogram this week.  Baby steps toward the ultimate goal of an insurance financed Lap Band.

Friday again

Down another 4.2# at weigh in yesterday.  Hooray!!  That's 8.6# in two weeks - not a pace I can maintain but it's a lot of fun for now!

Still getting the pedometer challenge fleshed out.  I've given it a Facebook group (Pedometer Challenge!!) and decided to provide the little incentives myself.  More to come on that front.  Hopefully my pedometer will get here today so I can join my own challenge...

Walk it off!

Today is weigh-in.  I will definitely post after that but I had a great idea I want to get out there.  Yesterday, as a reward for being on program for two full weeks, I bought myself a new pedometer.  It should come today...
The workout plan for Ruth and I will be a contest of steps - who can get in the most steps each day and we will keep a running tally of who wins each day.  Then, whoever wins the week will get some little prize or maybe just bragging rights.  Still thinking it through but I like it!!

Another weekend

The weekend went a lot better than I had any right to expect.  Friday night was uneventful although I was tired because I waited up for Nick (midnight) and then we talked for almost an hour.  Time spent talking with your teenager in wonderfully spent, even if it deprives you of sleep...
Saturday was the Cubs/Brewers tailgating party.  I must be getting old, because I had very little tolerance for people's shenanigans.I just wanted a quiet bus ride to the game, tailgating/talking followed by a good game.  The game was great (Cubs win!!) and I actually ate NO ballpark food.  I don't think I've ever been to a ballgame without having something.  I am quite proud of myself.
I still am not exercising enough (or really at all, unless I can count my running about the house as exercise, which I honestly cannot).  I think today I will have to squeeze a workout in over my lunch hour.  By nighttime, I'm just too tired to do much.  I'll try and post later...

Finally Friday...

Not sure why I'm looking forward to the weekend - I've got a lot of fun things planned but I don't expect to get nearly enough sleep.  Plus lots of food challenges ahead...

Weighed in yesterday at 272 - that's down 4.4# in my first full week on the program.  It is a good sign, but I always do well the first couple of weeks.  I does put me on track to be under 270 for my first recheck with Dave Finnergan.  That was the mini-goal I set ten days ago, so that much is very encouraging.  I am now thinking that maybe I could just do this with WW, no need for the Lap-Band at all.  Of course, every time I go back to the program I'm sure that this time I can stay with the program and get to goal.

If I get all the preliminary stuff out of the way I can review my options when January is closer and decide what I want to do.  I also want to discuss the entire matter with my oncologist and be sure he thinks it's a good idea. 

Ruth said she wants to workout with me - difficult since we live hundreds of miles apart but I think having someone to be accountable to will help.  Thinking about how to do this - maybe a challenge for most mileage?  Thinking about ideas for now.

I'd best get back to work...

Another Doctor appointment

Rich has an oncology appointment today at 3:10.  They found a suspicious area on his lung three months ago and have been following it on CT scans - today we hear if it's just scarring from the radiation and his tendency to aspirate OR if the cancer has spread to his lungs.  I was really unconcerned about this initially (Dr. Korkmaz thinks it's the former) but as the appointment looms I'm getting more scared. I can't imagine what Rich is feeling...

One week

Been back on WW for one week.  Feeling pretty good - managed to stay on program for the week pretty well, although I will confess that I've not been diligent about the whole grains, healthy oils, etc.  Focusing on portions and fruits/veggies - the rest will come later, I hope.  What is it they say?  If you do something for four weeks with consistency it becomes a habit.  Here's to three more weeks to a habit!

This week I want to make exercise my priority.  We have a late dinner tonight because Rich has a church meeting and Sam has soccer practice.  I could go to the Y after dinner or I can go use the elliptical for 30 minutes tonight instead.  I'll probably do the elliptical because it will take so much less time.  I do really want to get back to the Y because of the variety they offer but lack of time is a real barrier.  Sam starts swimming in two weeks - that's when I'll be forced to go down to gym again.  Want to get on the circuit trainer to work on toning.  Yesterday Rich and I went biking for geocaches - found two on a five mile ride.  It was an absolute blast and, although it definitely felt like exercise, it was really a good time.  I need to find more activities like that!

Back to work.  It's the day after Labor Day and that is a really busy day - should be able to keep my mind off food!

Happy Labor Day!

Still feeling down and out of sorts from working yesterday.  Rich and I are going shopping at Kohl's (I have $50 in Kohl's bucks I have to use up so I'm going to spend without spending).   Maybe  new blender?  Although their blenders are pretty cheap and I do want a nice heavy one.

Going to get the house clean and make a shopping list - those things make me feel better...

Still eating right - just need to get more dedicated to working out.  Need to mix it up, too.  Maybe I'll get back on the elliptical today - that's an excellent plan and a great workout.  Off to Kohl's for now.

Sunday sucked

Worked today - and it was really, really busy and really, really sad.  I really want to eat a lot of salty snacks...and drink a lot of alcohol.  It won't make the day any better but I would feel better for the couple of minutes I was eating it.  I know that looks crazy when I write it down but it's how I like to handle stress.  Instead I'll have a glass and a half of wine and head to bed.  

Yesterday I biked over 7 miles with Rich.  I'm getting back on track slowly...

Labor Day weekend

Feeling kind of reflective this morning.  When you are fat and constantly dieting, every holiday is a possible milestone.  I really can't count the number of times I've said "I will lose X number of pounds by this day (Labor Day, Christmas, New Year's, my birthday, etc.)" and have then gotten completely disheartened when I failed to make a ridiculous goal. 
Now I want to make my goal eating right and eating well and I'll let the weight come off when I get the surgery.  I still, however, am falling prey to the mental game of "I will lose 40 pounds by Christmas."   Which isn't all bad, unless I let the fact that I will not lose that much by that date get me in a bad head space.  THAT is the trap I am trying to avoid!
I wonder how many people fall into the same trap?

Weigh In Day

Went back to Weight Watchers today.  Weight was up to 276.4, but that wasn't a surprise after two days of doctor's appointments.  I have stayed on program for several days and am feeling pretty good about this beginning.  Would write more but I am sooooo tired.

Day two of the rest of my life...

Well, I stuck to program except no time to exercise today.  Did my exact number of points BUT I have been pretty much starving whenever I wasn't running around like a crazy person.

This is why I am looking forward to a possible lap band.  It is so hard to stay on plan when you feel hungry all the time so the idea that it could maybe take food off the front of my mind all the time is very encouraging.  I will still plan on WW, just adjuvanted with the lap band.

Good afternoon!

Well, I think I've finally got my head where it needs to be for this process.  I met with Dave Finnergan today, the PA at my GP's office, as is required by my insurance company prior to having lap band surgery.   I talked very frankly with him and, more critically, listened to what he had to say.  I was thinking last night that I would do WW until I hit the six month supervised diet, then I would stop.  But it makes more sense to use WW and lap band to team up on this weight loss thing.  So it's back to WW on Thursday and back to see Dave in three weeks.  Hoping to be 10# lighter by then (today's weigh in was 277) and be able to honestly say I worked out a minimum of 30 minutes at least 20 of those days.

Started logging my food choices on Weight Watchers again.

I also made an appointment for blood work and an esophagram and left a message for a psychiatric consult.  All those are required before I can have the surgery.

Well, I'd best get my work done and get cracking on my cardiac workout - plan to do the Wii fit and get on the treadmill today.  Here's to a great beginning!!

Got the Info...

Dr. Shayani was very nice and very informative.  His nurse (Nathan) was even better.  I do need to have six months of medically supervised dieting before I can have surgery.  I see my reguar doctor tomorrow for month one.  I also found out that I can lose weight on the supervised diet and still be eligible for the surgery.  I've got a whole checklist of things I need to accomplish before I can have this done, but I do have step one accomplished!

Today?

My appointment is in four hours.  Feeling both stressed and excited...probably putting too much pressure on one small appointment.  I'll know a lot more in a bit, I guess.

Saturday night...

Rich made a really yummy dinner of fried fish and potato pancakes.  Ate a reasonable portion plus veggies and a glass of wine.  If I hadn't had a McDonald's breakfast and a couple of Taco Bell burritos for lunch I could have notched this as a good day.  Guess I was feeling sorry for myself because I have a cold and I had to work this morning.  So junk food made that better, right?  Damn, I know the right answers and still set myself up for failure.

I really don't know what I expect from this visit.  I'm pretty sure I'm stuck with the six month supervised diet (even though the unreasonable part of me feels like they should waive this for me...) so I won't even be able to think about the surgery until next February or March.  I WILL give diet my best effort...it will show them I will stick to the plan the band requires.  And having 25 or 30 pounds gone before the surgery can only be good, right?

Three days and counting

I spent yesterday cleaning my house, doing laundry and doing more research about this surgery on-line.  One of the things I discovered was that my insurance requires six months of doctor supervised dieting before they will pay for the procedure.  As far as I could tell, they would not consider 2 1/2 YEARS of struggling with Weight Watchers as trying to diet. 
I'm really willing to do this if it is something that will help - maybe it would even work so I could avoid the surgery.  My concern is that if it works for a while (like everything else I have tried), then doesn't work, they would still deny the claim.  I don't have trouble committing to a diet and losing 20 or 30 or even 40 pounds - my struggle is following through until I'm at a reasonable weight!  It really seems like this surgery would be the answer for me but I hate the idea of six months of dieting BEFORE I could be considered for the surgery and ONLY being "rewarded" with the surgery if I don't try my best on the diet...
I keep reading all these blogs from people who look at the six month doctor supervised diet as a chance to pig out!  That seems wrong but I do understand the feeling.  I guess I have to wait until I see Dr. Shayani before I can even make a reasoned decision.  Sigh.

Hectic already...

Good morning!

I still have four days before my first appointment with Dr. Shayani.  This whole idea may be moot if my insurance company decides they will not pay for it since we don't have the $15-30,000 the whole process will cost.  I've been looking on-line for other Humana members who have had the surgery and I've found that Humana will require a six month doctor supervised diet before they will approve the surgery (a new requirement since 2008).  I guess three YEARS of trying to get the weight off with Weight Watchers doesn't count ?!?  So maybe the doctor supervised diet would work for me?  I sure wouldn't mind not having the surgery and still getting rid of 100# plus.

Today I have a day off, which is excellent.  Plan to clean house, relax and maybe even work out a little downstairs.

This is where I begin...

Starting at Square One

Good Morning and Happy Wednesday!

I'm writing this blog for my peace of mind and for general therapeutic purposes.  I have managed to get most of my life in excellent shape while my physical self has been allowed to fall apart.  I am 46 years old and feel about 70 most days because I have let my weight get completely out of control.  So now it is time for me to take care of me!  I am meeting with a doctor on Monday August 30 to discuss lap-banding and whether that will be the right treatment for me.  Until then, I am going to be watching what I eat (not dieting - just no snacking and portion control) and starting back on an exercise regime.  It will feel a lot better going to talk to him if I've made a beginning. 
This blog is another beginning. Every other time I have been successful in taking off pounds I have written about it.  Most of those musings have been in paper journals, but I've decided for this last journey I will make the record public - hopefully it will garner support from friends and family when and if I make people aware of my plans.  Until then it will just be good therapy...